Ouch…

When my family stepped into 2018, we were in a bout of virus. Todate, T, G, E, Hub and me had gotten the bug and still in it. E was diagnosed with influenza A. So I think the entire family technically had it though the rest of us did not go for test. It was an ordeal to get E to take medication. At one time, he had to take 5 different medication. I was at my wits end to coax him to eat them. I bought maple syrup, chocolate sauce, chocolate ice cream, vanilla ice cream, yoghurts just to cover up the taste of tamiflu for those who tried it. E only managed to eat 5 times and each time I dont know how much went into his system because there will be leftover feed of ice cream and yoghurt. In the course of 3 nights, every nighy we encounter fever that were 39+ degress and 1 of that night hit 40.2 degrees – all because he refused to take medication before sleep. With the bout of sickness, he missed his school which means homework. Knowing E, he would not do his homework when it piled high. So I have arranged for the teacher to hand the homework through his cousin. So it was a good move but still it didn’t help with the time that I need for him to learn his weekly spelling words. So much coaxing, threatening and shouting was done. I realized it seems to be null and useless. It makes him and I more irritable and angry at each other. I feel hurt.

Because of his sickness, I was not able to be with T who was also down with cough, runny nose and fever. I feel so so sad not being able to be with him when he needed me most. The last visit to see T he totally adores me and wanted my attention. I get to see him walk, play, sing and dance. These are what I missed as a mum, I am not there for these milestones. I feel very sad and sorry and not fulfilling my role of a mum for him. My heart hurts.

Being a strong character, my words hasn’t been the nicest to all around me. I have been saying nasty and sarcastic words especially to Hub. I feel not appreciated and worn out. I have not heard from Hub to ask how I am doing. I can’t express my feelings and emotions out. The only thing I feel like doing was to express my anger and tiredness and weariness to him. All he see me was the angry, not happy with him wife. I feel hurt.

For my parents and in laws, I feel for them when I have to put my children in their care when I am working or one of the kids are unwell. They have toiled for years to bring up their children and now I am “dumping” my children to them to care. I feel sorry that at their age, they should be doing things that they like but they have to bear my responsibilities. I feel hurt.

As I reflect of what had happened the whole period, when I was screaming at E for falling short of my expectation, I was reminded of God. How did God bear with me when I fall short of his expectation? I felt I have no rights to be angry with E. I am so so fall short away from what God expected me to be. Just as I mentioned in my last post that my lips to be seasoned with salt. In the last weeks, my lips were filled with poison amd acted like a sword that kills. What a wretch I am. Ouch….